


fly me to the moon (let me play among the stars)

by badappple



Series: ShuAke Week 2020 Fics [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Bittersweet, Constellations, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Stargazing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, akira misses his bf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27587987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badappple/pseuds/badappple
Summary: Akira is not sure what time it is- the night always looks the same until it’s over to him. He has all the time in the world to stay up here and think among the stars.And those thoughts always come back to Akechi Goro.[Akira thinks about Akechi whenever he's alone. He wonders what it would be like if Akechi was still here.]
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: ShuAke Week 2020 Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016671
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	fly me to the moon (let me play among the stars)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for ShuAke Week 2020, day one: Hope, Stars and Fantasy 
> 
> title is from Fly Me to the Moon.

In the silent chill of the night, Akira finds himself staring blankly up at the sky, laying across Leblanc’s rooftop. 

Ever since his return to Tokyo, he’s spent his time up here. Night after night, week after week. Every day, forcing himself to stay up just a bit longer, until he can see the daylight peaking through the thick blackness of the sky’s expanse.

He’s not sure what time it is- the night always looks the same until it’s over to him. He has all the time in the world to stay up here and think among the stars. 

And those thoughts always come back to Akechi Goro. 

Without fail, like a virus pervading Akira’s thoughts, it always comes back to the traitorous detective with a tight grip on Akira’s mind, and he isn’t even around anymore to gloat about it. 

It’s funny- he hasn’t seen Goro in months, but the boy and his wine-dark eyes are so fresh in his mind.

Some nights, Akira can close his eyes for a second and Akechi will be right at his side when he opens them again. Some nights, he can pretend, fantasize the reality with Akechi Goro that he discarded. 

With each passing hour, Akechi feels closer. It’s as if the detective is living within Akira every night. Akira can feel Akechi running through his veins like his own blood. Even with Morgana’s continued efforts to get him onto a healthy sleep schedule, he does this each night without fail. 

He has a reason for it. It’s not a reason that anyone else would understand, and perhaps it’s completely irrational, but it’s a reason nonetheless. 

There’s a secret to the night that you only learn once insomnia has you in its clutches.

Things you can only see when the whole world is asleep. Things you can only feel when everyone else can’t. A whole new world of emotions that make the emotions of waking day seem meaningless in comparison. 

Nothing in the waking world can even hold a candle to the expressions of the night. It’s like an entirely new realm of emotional understanding that nobody else is awake to comprehend. 

In truth, Akechi’s presence is always closer to Akira during the night, as if the boy now lives amongst the stars and comes out when they do. 

It’s unhealthy. He  _ knows _ it’s unhealthy, laying on the roof and imagining his rival laying beside him, acting like he’s still here. His entire being knows he shouldn’t be doing this.

Actually, the more he thinks about it, the more he comes to realize just how revolted Akechi would be if he knew about this. 

_ This is pathetic, Kurusu. I thought you were better than this, holding on to a dead man because you can’t let go of me. _

..He’d probably say something like that. Something scathing and cruel, a disgusted expression on his features. He’d scowl and sneer like Akira did something to personally piss him off just for the sake of it. 

If Akechi knew that Akira lies among the stars and holds on to the memory of his own personal Judas like this… 

Akechi would be appalled. And Akira wouldn’t even blame him for feeling that way. 

But if he lays up here and indulges himself right now, will Akechi ever know? It’s not like the detective is returning anytime soon.  _ if at all.  _

A small sigh escaped Akira’s lips as his eyes fluttered shut. Nobody will know, so it’s okay to pretend.

In the end, does it really matter either way?

Akechi’s voice always finds him as he melts into the abyss of the night. 

“Oh, you’re doing this again?” 

Steps echo on the rooftop. Akira opens his eyes, but doesn’t look towards the source of the sound. Instead, he keeps his gaze focused on the stars above him. 

“Mind if I join you? Well, of course you don’t.” Akechi rolls his eyes, but takes a seat beside his rival regardless. 

His voice is as soft as silk in Akira’s ears. Akira doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. He knows what this is, and what it means for him. 

Maybe there’s something meaningful behind that, some philosophy of their relationship not needing words, but he’s heard enough of that bullshit from Akechi himself by now and finds those types of musings significantly less interesting when it’s being told by his own mind. 

Akechi truly was amazing in that regard, huh? Able to make the most mundane sound interesting and captivating. Akira always loved listening to him. 

So it truly was unfortunate that this was the best they could do when it comes to talking to each other now.

Akira turns his attention back to the soft sound of Akechi’s breathing, desperate to keep his mind away from his thoughts. 

Thankfully, Akechi begins speaking again before Akira’s dread could consume him too much. 

“It’s less cloudy tonight. You can see the stars a lot better.” A hum fell from the detective’s lips. 

“I didn’t notice.” 

“Of course you didn’t. ...That one,” Akechi begins, pointing up towards the sky. “Andromeda, the ‘Chained Maiden’. Chained up by someone she loved to appease a god after Cassiopeia boasted about how much better she was, incurring the wrath of a god. She almost lost her life because someone she cared about purposely got tangled up in something they couldn’t have ever handled, and hurt her in the process of trying to save themself from their own actions.” 

Akira’s gunmetal gaze follows Akechi’s hand, but he still doesn’t say a word. 

“It reminds me of you, a bit,” Akechi laughs, polite and airy. “Do you still feel chained down by society, Kurusu-Kun?” 

Unease settles in his stomach at that question. The binding chains on him had already taken away his future-nobody wants anything to do with a former criminal. Even if those chains have long since been broken in the traditional sense. He knows that isn't the only reason why Akechi brought it up, too. 

“I don’t know,” Akira said nothing beyond that. Akechi only chuckled again. 

“Hm. It’s not like I should’ve expected a real answer from someone like you.” The detective gave a half-hearted shrug and turned his attention back to the sky. “The one close by. Cassiopeia, the ‘Boastful Queen’. Claimed to be better than even god-like beings and people who were far above her, leading to the Queen’s punishment for her own superiority. She chained up someone she loved and left them to die, for the sake of pleasing a god who didn’t care about her. She was placed into the sky as punishment for her own selfish and callous behavior. She wasn’t better than anyone. No matter what she did or how much she claimed it so.”

Akira’s unease only grows. 

“Didn’t you tell me about this last week?” Akira states more than he asks. 

“I suppose I did. Learn more constellations next time, then. I only know as much as you.” How Akira missed that biting tone in his rival’s voice. “And perhaps I’m talking about these again because you weren’t very talkative last time.” 

Akira doesn’t say a word. He can see Akechi’s expression souring in the corner of his vision. 

“You shouldn’t bring me here if you’re merely going to lay there and not say a word. Don’t waste my time with your sentimental bullshit.” 

No response. Akira stays silent. 

A tense sigh emerged from Akechi’s lips, and Akira could hear the shuffling of fabric as the detective stood up. 

“Fine, then. If you insist on being difficult, I have no reason to stay.” Akira can see him leaving, and then he sits up, he reaches out his hand. 

“Wait,” he murmurs lowly, and he can almost feel Akechi’s wrist in his grasp. He can almost feel Akechi’s warmth underneath his hand, as if Akechi were truly still here. 

Akira swallows harshly. “Stay. I’ll talk.” 

Akechi shoots him a look of pure irritation, but bites back any remarks he had waiting on his lips. 

“...Fine. But if you continue to waste our time, I’m not going to stay.” 

“I won’t. There’s something I needed to talk to you about, actually.” 

That seems to have piqued Akechi’s interest, seeing as how he cocked up an eyebrow at Akira’s words. “And what might that be, Kurusu-Kun?” 

Akira gestured for Akechi to sit beside him. “Why don’t you call me ‘Akira’ yet? We’re close enough.” 

“Is this really what you wanted to talk with me about? Something as trivial as your name?” Seeing Akira shaking his head at the questions, Akechi crossed his arms. 

“ _ I _ call you whatever  _ you _ want me to say. The fact that I haven’t begun using your first name yet means that you don’t want me to. Which begs the question of why you would bother asking at all,” Akechi chided in a tone of mock playfulness. Akira can hear the darkness underneath perfectly. 

“...You never called me that. No matter how close we were.” Akira couldn’t help but wonder about why. 

Even as they fought side by side, showing each other the ugliest parts of one another, they still spoke each other’s names like acquaintances. 

Were they nothing more than just that? 

The thought settles within the lowest part of Akira’s psyche, bleeding black rot that spreads through him. 

Did Akechi not care enough to call him by his name? Did the real Akechi, the Akechi who was more than a facsimile Akira cooked up to fantasize with.. truly just not see Akira as anything more than a means to an end? 

_ or was he just trying to run away? Was he trying to distance himself, so it hurt less for both of them when he inevitably-  _

Akira stood up abruptly, earning a blank-faced look of confusion from Akechi. He was overthinking this. It was just a name. There’s no reason for him to drive himself insane with questions that most likely won’t ever receive an answer  _ because the person who’d be giving him those answers is gone. _

“Is there something wrong?” Akechi sounds more irritated than concerned, but Akira can see right through that. 

Wonderfully, however, Akechi can’t call him out if he’s lying to himself. 

Akira can shove all of those emotions and questions in a box and bury it within the recesses of his mind without any issues. He’s fine, he’s convinced of it. 

“No. Sorry. Just a little jumpy tonight.” 

It almost seemed like he saw a hint of skepticism in the brunet’s expression, but neither of them said another word as Akira lies back down. 

“Right, fine.”  _ Liar.  _

Akechi cleared his throat, trying to move on. “You said there was something you wanted to talk to me about? And I know it wasn't just your name.” 

“There was.” 

“Well, are you just going to keep me in suspense? We don’t have all the time in the world.”

Akira sucked in a harsh breath, gathering the courage to say the words. He doesn’t know if he has it in him anymore. 

There’s another facet of him that’s been lost to the night, swallowed up by the abyss of a pitch-black sky. 

He felt that spark in him, that rebellion- whatever you wanted to call it- he felt it dying with each passing night. The feeling of losing your purpose.

The feeling of your life slipping through your fingers at age seventeen because you know you don’t have a future anymore. 

Akira’s gaze stays transfixed on Akechi. He can’t tell if Akechi knows what he’s going through or not, but he gets an obsessive feeling that Akechi can. 

Akechi is always there. More than a memory, but less than a ghost. The spark in Akira really is dying, and it’s all from a boy who he can’t bear to let go of. 

So he crams it all down, kills the words resting on his lips, and he  _ smiles _ . 

“Do you think you’re still alive, Goro?” 

The silence that followed was deafening. The smile never left Akira’s lips. 

The surprise on the detective’s face was something beautifully palpable. “I...I don’t know. It’s as I said before, I only know as much as you do.”

Deep within Akira’s mind, he feels another fantasy unfurling and spreading through him. 

Akira sees Akechi walking into the Jazz Jin, taller and leaner and older but alive, wearing a smug but relieved smile on his face because he knows he’s returned to a place that he loves. Akira sees Akechi walking down Shibuya’s Central street, turning around and looking at Akira with recognition blooming within him, before the tears start streaming down his face. 

Akira sees himself taking Akechi’s hand the day that he finally, inevitably shows up in Leblanc and Akira smiles at him, a true, genuine smile because Akechi is finally home, finally back where he should be, finally back where he belongs, finally with the person who loves him. 

And after seeing that, he just can’t bring himself to believe that Goro isn’t coming back. 

“You are. I know you are. Akechi… I’m going to see you again.” Akira spoke with a resolve that he no longer had. Akira spoke like Joker did. 

“... Kurusu, what if I’m not? Honestly, don’t try and delude yourself because you can’t bear to let go of your murderer,” Akechi’s words were drenched in venom and contempt. Akira could see beyond that in an instant. 

Even so, his smile still falls, expression rotting away into one of crestfallen despair. “Please. Just let me have this,” Akira whispered a desperate plea to his own mind rather than to this conjured-up Akechi. 

A plea to keep this hope that was already hanging by a thread. This is all Akira has now, a weak hope that a dead boy will return and love Akira as much as Akira loves him and a purpose that’s slipping away from him. 

He doesn’t know how he’d go on without the promise of Akechi Goro. 

“Alright. Perhaps I’m alive, then,” Akechi mumbles, relenting. 

“I’ll see you, soon, then. I promise you, Goro.” Another smile danced onto Akira’s pale features, lit up in the dim starlight. “We still need to have our rematch.” 

A wry laugh left his rival’s lips. “Of course we do. I wouldn’t have forgotten something like that. Do you think I’m an idiot?” Akechi swallowed harshly, voice thin. “I.. promise you, Akira.” 

And Akira could’ve sworn, that just for a moment, he saw Akechi smiling too. 

Eyelids fluttered shut for the briefest of moments. Akira was alone when they opened, just as he was when he started. 

The first trappings of dawn were peaking through the cover of night, leaving Akira to get up with a languid sigh. 

“Don’t keep me waiting for you for too long, okay?” Akira spoke quietly to nothing but the cold and biting air. “But.. I’ll still be waiting. For as long as it takes for you to return.” 

He couldn’t help the dry laugh he gave as he glanced back towards the sky.

“It’ll be soon. I hope so.” 

Like a thief escaping into the night, it was as if Kurusu Akira was never there at all. 

**Author's Note:**

> wow uh!! thank you for reading this. i did not intend for my first ao3 fic to be shuake week stuff, but the date kinda crept up on me. shuake invaded my brain so i had to write for it  
> a few of my discord friends suggested the idea of akira fantasizing about akechi's return and it broke me, so i took the "fantasy" part of the prompt in a bit of a different direction.  
> anyways hi my twitter is @badappplle . i'll talk about wips and stuff on there although it will probably go into the 18+ content realm pretty quick  
> tysm again for reading!!


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